In the beginning, Jose Marcelo Ejercito studied at
the Ateneo de Manila.
And that school was filled with darkness and chaos
because of him, so they expelled him.
Finding himself in the cinema, he said, "Let there be
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!"
And he regaled the masa with his grade-B action
movies, and they loved him, and he, them, so Erap was born.
And it was so, in the evenings and mornings of his second decade.
And Erap said, "Let there be stars (and starlets) to
fill my nights, celestial bodies to fill my bed,
with beauty queens and actresses of all shapes and
sizes."
And it was so. Erap blessed his stars and said,
"Increase and multiply! Fill the Philippines with my name!
In my name shall, ye fill the earth and subdue it.
And the starlets begot him children, JV, JR, and other
illegitimate children too numerous to mention,
and he saw all that he did and said that it was good, very
good.
And it was so, in the evenings and mornings of his third decade.
Then he saw the Ilokano 'god' and the Waray 'goddess'
on the face of the earth, and he knelt and
kissed their feet and hands (and asses) and
said, "Let me be mayor of San Juan and I will pledge
undying loyalty to thee and thine own. Whether thou
goes, I go, whatever thou doest, I do."
And so when Martial Law was declared,Erap set an example.
He imprisoned those who opposed him,
threatened the townsfolk of San Juan with
violence if they did not comply.
He did all the things that were right in his eyes,
and no one opposed as god (Da Apo) was on his side.
He ruled like a lord in his fief, and saw that it was
good, very good. ANd it was so, on the mornings and
evenings of his fourth decade.
And during the past few decades, Erap said,
"Let there be wine, smoke and jueteng.
Let sabong and jai-alai entertain the masses.
Let me be a shining example of all these vices.
Let me eat, drink, smoke, gamble and
be merry for tomorrow I will do it again."
And it was so.
But 13 years ago, Erap was ousted by the Yellow
Brigade, because his god went toHawaii.
He was unrepentant in his loyalty to Da Apo.
And Da Apo died in Hawaii,
kept as a popsicle in a giant freezer,
where his widow, Imeldific, insists on a hero's burial at the
Libingan ng mga Bayani to this day.
Erap was distraught, his god died,
and he was fired by the canaries.
And he raised his fist and shook it against
the Yellow President and her cronies and said,
"BULLET DAY I WILL GIANT YOU!
(Balang araw, ako ay maghihiganti!)
I WILL BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY! (no translation needed)"
And the earth trembled at his oath.
And for a time
there was some progress in the Philippines after Cory,
but when the elections came, Erap said to the huddled,
bleeding and ignorant masses,
"IBOTO NINYO AKO AT TUTULUNGAN KO KAYO!
AKO AY PARA SA MAHIRAP!"
And the masses, like sheep to the slaughter,
did so, and Erap said, "Let there be a
LANDSCAPE (landslide, in proper English) VICTORY,
to show the world that I am
the president the masses love!"
And it was so, and there was weeping and
gnashing of teeth among the educated and the enlightened,
for they knew that darkness and chaos had come
not only in Ateneo, but the whole archipelago.
But the masses cheered their hero, who was really a
Macoy loyalist all the way.
And Erap wanted his Ilokano 'god' buried with honors
at the Libingan ng Bayani, but the people would not
let him, and he relented.
Then all the cronies,all the kamag-anaks, kabits and
'toma'-dachis were appointed.
People with questionable backgrounds
went to the offices of ministers, assistant ministers,
secretaries of state.
The 'bebble gam' king became minister of defense.
The son of 'god' became the governor of Ilocos Norte,
his widow, Imeldific a senator,
while the daughter of 'god' became congresswoman.
Loyalty before principles was the order of the day.
And Erap pursueth his enemies without mercy. The
first to feel his wrath were James Gordon of
Subic, followed by Manoling Morato (alias Ling-Ling)
of the Board of Censors.
Next in line were Lito Lapid and Rey Malonzo, mayors both,
not for winning in public office but
for running in the opposition party.
Joey Marquez was next.
Those whom Erap perceiveth his enemies were
persecuted and harassed with
unpaid tax charges and fiscal anomalies.
He bullied that small newspaper, the Manila Times and
its publishers, the Gokongwei clan with lawsuits and
spurious charges of tax evasion.
And theb Gokongweis apologized and
withdrew the article, and Erap smiled
that crooked smile, and walked that crooked walk,
and said, "I won again!"
And Erap sought but failed to have some laws passed.
The SAL (statement of assets and liabilities to
track down possible candidates for kidnap or blackmail?),
the warrantless arrest (shades of martial law)
encouraged by his right hand man, Ping Lacson,
the abolition of English as a second language
(I don't know about you, but the way RP is experiencing
a brain drain these days, it might just work),
legalizing gambling as a form of revenue
(jueteng, jai-alai, sabong, masiao, betting on horse races).
And these were the scandals galore that doggeth Erap
in the office of Malacanang:
the textbook scandal at DECS,
the pyramid scam by Reli German's ex-wife, Baby;
the 'JR' scandal (a beauty queen who claimeth
parentage with Erap);
the Romy Jalosjos fiasco (see the Jacuzzi, the air-con,
the hamburger stand, the tennis courts at Muntinlupa prisons?
That is punishment!);
the counter investigation of FVR about the Expo Filipino funds;
the Imelda Marcos'pardon';
the 'Loot'-cio Tan tax suit;
the vcr tape of Erap gambling in a casino with a drug lord;
releasing the sons of Freddie Webb
(Hubert Webb for the Visconde massacre)
and Dolphy's son for arson and homicide
(for burning down Mina Aragon's house with her mother
and children in it) just because their fathers are Erap's buddies.
And the righteous crieth out, "Where is justice?"
In a little while, after 6 years, you may see it.
Then again, you may not.
And the misdeeds of Erap, his eraptions and his
shenanigans, are they not recorded, and are still
being recorded in the book of ACTS? (for actors, silly).
Thus endeth this gospel (for now).